Zuhause Heißt nicht Zu Ende

Hallo an alle- I'm home!

With my last post here having been on March 30th,  I first need to address the question I keep getting;

"Tammy, what happened to your blog?"

Unfortunately, my laptop told me its hard disk was failing during the first week of April, which meant I was sans-laptop for the last three and a half months of my exchange.

I still had internet access, thanks to my host family's tablet. However, it wasn't exactly blogging-friendly, and I couldn't upload and edit my photos on it. Conveying the entirety of my experiences is difficult as is, and I feel like photos are the least I can provide. A blog without photos is like Germany without beer. Or America without McDonalds.

It just aint right.

But! Now that I'm home again, with a newly-working laptop, I have every intention on making up for the last three months, and keeping this blog alive in order to tell the stories I've collected.

Zuhause Heißt nicht Zu Ende: Being home doesn't mean being done.

Just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm done with this blog. Furthermore, just because I'm home doesn't mean that my exchange year is history.

It's still very much a part of my life and thoughts: ultimately, it's a part of me.

Oh, Germany <3

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When it comes down to it though, I am back in America. 

 After being away for eleven months, I'm home, nestled once again in the evergreens and mountain ranges of the Pacific Northwest. It's surprising, the effect the landscape of a place can have on you, but after living in the Niederrhein area [flatter than Kansas. It's possible.] with more cows than people and perhaps a single sad looking tree per square acre... well, I'm happy to have my evergreens again.

The last few weeks of my exchange were the both the best and the hardest though. I was at a point where I felt really well integrated. I felt like a part of my host family, a part of my community, a part of my school, and it was hard to know that my time there was almost at an end. I wanted to do so much, and spend as much time with the people around me, but that was the problem. There was no time.

Going there was easy; I knew I'd come home in a year.

Leaving was hard; I don't know if (when?) I will go back.

Having that in mind was inevitably a downer, and seeing as I wanted to make the most of the time I had with all of the people around me, it was a battle in and of itself to stay upbeat and enjoy that time.

The last few weeks turned into this continuous emotional rollercoaster [that actually applies to the entire year... just more so in those last weeks], and I think that in saying that, I speak for every exchange student out there.

And then there were the goodbyes.   

I don't cry. I never cry.

Heck, I was the only dry-eyed girl in the theater in Dear John.

So I think I made up for all those tears that last week there.

I am so, so lucky to have gotten to know all of the wonderful people I did, and that our lives were able to intersect, if only briefly. 

On top of that, their kindness was beyond anything I could have imagined. Not only did they let me into their lives- and in the case of my host families, into their homes- they even surprised me time and time again... from little things like taking me swimming at the lake, to bringing cake on my last day of school, to a surprise party that left me speechless, to the kids who I only had a few classes with still coming by personally to say goodbye and wish me a safe trip home- having had all of these people in my life, I know one thing at least.

I am one damn lucky American girl.

The goodbyes became gradually more and more final, going from "Seeya soon!", to "Hopefully we'll see each other again before you leave," to "I'm going to miss you. Goodbye," as it got closer to the date of departure.

And then it was June 20th.

I didn't sleep the night before departing, wanting to spend every last minute possible wide awake in Germany. Germany! That translated to hanging out with my closest friends for the last time, packing the last few odds and ends, and going on a last bike ride around my village, Millingen, at 2:00 in the morning.

It was the last time I would be there as neither stranger nor guest.

The village was completely empty; it was mine, and mine alone.

At 3:00 my host mom woke up to drive me to the train station, with my barely-under-the-weight-limit luggage [Have you ever tried packing your life into 23 kg (51 lb.) and a carry-on?]. We made small talk as we waited, with nobody else on the platform and only the stars for company. 

Then the train came.  

That was my last goodbye.

The Frankfurt airport was my destination, along with the other 50-some exchange students from the west coast, also CBYX recipients. They are the other family I was a part of this year. Over the last 11 months, despite being scattered all over Germany, we had a month-long language camp together, one-week seminars in Weimar(mid-year) and in Berlin (at the end), and stayed in constant contact thanks to Facebook, Skype, and the like. We experienced so much together, supporting and being there for one another throughout the year. We came here together, we Germanied together, and we would now leave together, 11 months later, as completely different people.

8 hours later, we were in Washington D.C.

I've been back for three weeks as of yesterday, and although I am happy to see my friends and family again, it's hard. I did leave my friends and family behind, too- the ones of the German variety. Things are different in America. The bread and cheese and candy, the transportation [I'm driving again! Yay!!], the language [German still slips out every now and then], the scenery, the stores, the conversations, the people, the everything. There's new construction in my town, there are new stores and new faces, there are things that I can't remember, there are things that I can't forget, and sometimes it's just all too much.

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Sometimes, it honestly feels like I'm living in two worlds at once. I'm here, but my thoughts are there. My heart is in both places. 

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So I'll treasure the memories, and grow from the experiences.

Come what may; I'll keep an open mind and heart,  

because one adventure is over, and a new one starts now.